He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
