I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize