Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
