I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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