I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Randomize
