im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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