can we get nightvision for the apartment?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
