Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize