I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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