dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
