i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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