Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
