Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
