Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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