it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
