I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
