either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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