Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize