why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we're making bets on your personal life
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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