I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
