its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Randomize
