Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
