What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Randomize
