Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
