My sheets look like a crime scene.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize