I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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