Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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