Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
