it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
