I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
