my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
