i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My vagina just recognized that song.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
