Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
