booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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