i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Randomize
