Your tits are I can't wait for
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
