The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
