I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
