I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
