the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You ruined the universe
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize