so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
The power of my boobs compel you
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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