My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
