I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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