I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
