Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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