How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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