i can't believe i had my finger in that
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
