that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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