I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
