Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
