UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You took a bar mat shot.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
