Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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