Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
