put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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