i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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