There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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