when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
not ubering you a puppy
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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