this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
