I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
