i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
