Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
