I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize