happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
