I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
